Just the other day, I was stopped at 7/11 to fill my 64 ounce NASCAR travel mug with watermelon slurpee and get a baker’s dozen of jalapeño cream cheese taquitos, when I heard, “hey bro, mind helping me out?” I looked back to see a few kids, 16 years old at the most. They proceeded to ask if I would purchase them a variety pack of White Claw Hard Seltzers and some mango Juul pods. My first thought was “well fruit Juul pods are marketed for children, so of course I’ll get them some.” But the request for hard seltzers shook me to my core. I took the two crisp $20 bills and headed inside. After getting the taquitos and Slurpee, I put the change from the $40 that I used to buy my snacks back into my wallet and headed to my car.
“Hey bro, where’s our stuff?” I completely ignored them and drove off. Just as I was leaving however, I heard one of them say, “fuck you, old man. I get way more chicks than you and I’m in high school.” It was a weird thing to say, but then I realized, he’s probably right. I’m married and low key ugly, so I technically only have one chick. Given his youth and boyish dimples, he likely gets lots of chicks. Especially if he shows up to a party with mango juul pods and mango white claws, a symphony of flavor derived from a certain tropical fruit. I began to realize, these kids are fucking sick. They all had cool shoes, cool hair, and they were probably going to a cool American Pie-style party that night. Damn.
So I went home and went on Instagram. I searched #whiteclaw and #juullife and my suspicions were confirmed. All of these kids were sick as hell. Just buzzed out of their gourd off of vaporized nicotine and low-carb alcoholic water. They had videos of themselves shotgunning white claws at country concerts and I even saw a video of a kid ripping two Juuls at once. Can you believe that? It was unabashedly ill. I tried to search Tik Tok for more content, but it’s a lot to sift through the mouth breathers on there who are living in a motel while their double wide trailers are being fumigated for coochie lice.
I think back to my time in high school. My friends and I shoulder-tapped outside of a 7/11 much like they did, but the most we ever got was molested. Occasionally, a guy’s brother would return home from college and buy us keystone ice and Newports, which we would choke down, pretending they were good. Nowadays, kids are going from Caprisuns and gushers over to white claw and juul seamlessly. Now they ask for nudes on snapchat and I was T9-ing my way through a text conversation on a Motorola Razor playing 20 questions with a girl on the softball team back in the mid 2000’s. What a time to be alive. I’m obviously jealous. Being this sick was impossible when I was their age, now it comes easily.