Let me start this out with what is arguably the root of this entire controversy
— Shakkiraa** (@ShakiBaboun) November 11, 2018
Did she start the conversation? As a well known joke stealer, probably not. But as for the people bitching and moaning about it, I will ask you, IS THIS YOUR GOD? You want to align your belief system with Amy Fucking Schumer? She’s basically a half-step above Lena Dunham.
I guess the best way to start my rant is to deflect the question at hand and say if me wearing a jersey is the most unfathomable thing I do in a day, consider me Mother Theresa. We’re talking about a belief that’s tied to Amy Schumer here. The lady that makes lonely women in their thirties feel like they’re 25 again because she says supposedly relatable things about her vagina.
Much like hating the word ‘moist,’ jersey-bashing is something that has seemingly come out of nowhere and it’s perpetuated by sad losers who think they being avant garde, when in actuality, they’re just mimicking some unoriginal thought from another loser that they think makes them quirky.
Grown men should not wear team jersey …especially with a name on the back
— gdaddy (@paulreilly546) September 13, 2018
If you’re a grown man and not a 10 year old kid, there is never a right time to wear a jersey. Of any kind.
— David Daniel (@DavidGDaniel) September 13, 2018
My question is “why?” What’s so wrong with wearing a jersey? I guarantee you these ant-brained morons haven’t actually even synthesized what they’re saying. If you actually engaged them in a conversation, I’d bet the farm that they haven’t even given it a single thought past the recycled word vomit they spew on to their pathetic twitter account. You think it’s ridiculous to wear a jersey with another man’s name on it? Well I see women all the time wearing bathing suits because they saw a Victoria’s Secret model wearing it and guess what, a lot of them look like room temperature blocks of cream cheese wearing them. But I would never, in a million years go on the internet and say that because who the hell cares? Work it, girl. If that’s what makes you happy, then by all means, rock the hell out of that dental floss thongkini.
The only argument I’ve ever heard against it is the leap in logic that if you wear a jersey, supposedly you think you’re going to get called in to play. Seriously? That’s the best thing jersey haters can come up with? That’s absolutely not true. I take offense to it and again, it’s that narcissistic belief that jersey haters are smart people and sports fans who wear jerseys are dumb people. I think if you can’t get into sports, you’re the dumb person. If you watch the beautiful dance of a well turned double play or the unfolding of a well-coordinated blocking system which opens up a hole in the line so that a specimen of speed and power can run through while literal giants are doing anything to take them down, you’re the idiot. If the song of a homer ball blasting off a wooden bat or the tun of a flushed golf ball doesn’t ring in your loins, then all those years of drugs at Coachella are clearly fucking with your serotonin receptors. Sports are beautiful and wearing a jersey is a privilege, an homage to the ups and downs of cheering and crying with your team throughout a season.
Sports are an escape. It’s a chance to watch people who are genetically gifted and willing to work infinitely harder than the rest of us play a game. Of course it’s trivial and stupid, but for a little bit of time, it allows us to forget that we’re surrounded by pseudo-hipsters who piece together outfits from TJ Max to copy some model they saw in Vogue, yet they look down on honest sports fans for finding just a little bit of joy in this shitty world.
You hear all the time that women don’t get dressed up or wear make-up to impress men. Well us sports fans don’t wear jerseys to impress non-sports fans. I feel so bad for anyone who doesn’t know what it feels like to make a jersey a part of their sports watching tradition. If you don’t have superstitions that you believe will ultimately affect the outcome of a game that you have nothing to do with, you lead a miserable little existence. There is absolutely nothing like waking up on an NFL Sunday, putting on your jersey, grabbing a cold one, and watching the game with friends.
If you’ve never been to a ball game and worn a jersey you drip some mustard on from a hotdog marathon and you don’t even care because jerseys are designed for stain resistance, you simply aren’t living life.
If you think for a second that a jersey isn’t functional for a sports fan, that’s where you’re dead wrong. I don’t go to a ton of baseball games, but when I do, I tend to get the seats behind home plate. Whether it’s the Delta Sky Club at Nats park or the Commissioners’ box at Busch Stadium, ya boy balls out (am I pathetic now, jersey haters?). In these seats, your ticket price includes unlimited food and booze, so if you want to get your money’s worth, you need to eat and drink until you physically can’t sit in your seat. Well sports jerseys are cut to hold pads for football and hockey, and for baseball, it’s meant to contain roided up freaks of sport. So these things are perfect for your average Joe who wants to stuff himself into a pre-diabetic food coma bloat. As a side note, be lucky you live in America because soccer jerseys are made for little guys without pads. That’s why you see fans of the beautiful game just popping their tops off.
From this point on, I’m not even going to hear the argument that men shouldn’t wear jerseys. If you hold this belief, I’m going to conclude that you’re a depressed individual with no happiness in their life who probably gets a kick out of telling kids that Santa isn’t real. And to top is all off, I would wonder what these people would consider to be appropriate when you are watching sports.
Is this how we should dress?
People will really find anything to hate on. Sad people will do anything to ruin anyone’s shine. So leave me alone. I’m busy customizing my Cowboys jersey with the number 69 and a name tag that says “Harambe.”