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Here’s a Life Hack For You

I was today years old when I wanted to hurl myself off the tallest building in St. Louis as I read yet another pointless ‘life hack.’ Of course, if I did that, as my body would be hurling towards the earth with an acceleration of 9.8 meters per second, I would get a twitter notification telling me “you’ve been killing yourself all” wrong, sending me into a fit of rage before my brains turn into beef stroganoff on the pavement.

The life hack trend is a phenomenon that’s crept out of the annals of Facebook, Pinterest, and Buzzfeed. It speaks to the type of person who is both dumb and uninteresting because they A) think they need to improve the processes of everyday activities that have served humanity perfectly fine for decades, if not centuries and B) they want to be able to share their newfound methods with other people so they can seem modern and innovative.

Even the phrase “life hack” is infuriating. Hacking is an allusion to the hacking that computer folks do. They understand the intricate networks and computer systems so well that they’re able to expose weaknesses in them. So you’re telling me that you, a bored housewife with a mommy blog, is soooo good at life that you’ve literally hacked it? You’ve somehow exposed weaknesses in the fabric of human existence using consumer products that have been developed and engineered by research and development teams with years of money and research? Fuck you.

Just because something is different, doesn’t mean it’s good. It’s probably because today’s generation is a product of seeing insane advancements in technology. Losers tend to stay stuff like “Bill Gates dropped out of college” or “X business was started by writing out the plans on a bar napkin.” What you don’t hear about is the hundreds of thousands of people who failed because their ideas are dumb. There’s a reason you can count the great inventors of today on less than ten fingers. It’s because they’re smart and you’re not.

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Here’s a good one. Yeah, you know what I have a million of? Pants hangars from Oshkosh b Gosh. I haven’t bought an article of clothing with this piece of shit hangar since my mom has stopped dressing me. If I’m not ordering my clothes online, I’m either buying them from a golf pro shop or Neiman Marcus, and trust me, they don’t let you keep the hangars. You know what works great for closing bags of chips? Rolling it over once or twice. That’s it. I’ve never given it a second thought. But leave it up to housewives with access to their kid’s Adderall (Rx) prescription to act like they just cured AIDS with this one.

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This next tip is great for morbidly obese 6 year olds who absolutely need a freezing cold soda before they pass out from low blood sugar. If I want a cold drink, it comes directly out of my refrigerator door in the form of ice cold water. If I want to have a beer, I have the mental fortitude to let it sit in the fridge until it’s the proper temperature. If you need to coat your root beer in a cum rag so don’t have to go 30 minutes without a dose of high fructose corn syrup, see a therapist.

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I’m absolutely on board with this one. Let me go into my collection of CD spindles so I can bring a bagel sandwich to work for lunch. You show me a guy who brings this out at lunch and I’ll show you someone on the verge of blowing their brains out. It’s so oddly specific, I can’t even believe someone thought this would apply to literally any other person in the world. Practicality aside, what the hell is going on with that bagel sandwich? Is it literally just a bagel with lettuce? I don’t see much of a gap between the top and bottom of the bagel, so I’m gonna assume I’m looking at a lettuce sandwich.

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Hey idiot who shared this. If I ever see you at the beach, I’m opening your sunscreen bottle and stealing your phone, keys, and wallet just because you put your secret on the internet. By the way, it that an iPhone 3G in that thing?

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Drenching these socks in piss in 3-2-1.

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I shiver looking at this picture… I can imagine the loud person at a party saying “Hey, do you have any frozen grapes? I like frozen grapes in my Chardonnay because it chills the wine without watering it down.” As everyone looks on in awe at the moron who not only wants to waste $5.99/lb grapes, but also doesn’t understand that white wines are best served at 45 degrees, not the temperature of a 7/11 slurpee. Nothing like bobbing for grapes while you’re trying to get a buzz on. I’ll stick with beer, thanks.

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This #lifehack is perfect for the person who lives in federal prison in this picture. Lemme go ahead and use the dust pan that I sweep dust and dirt into from walking around shit covered streets all and filter my water with it. If you’re filling up a mop bucket, don’t you think it would make more sense to use your bath faucet? And if they’re insinuating they use this to fill up buckets with water for drinking or cooking, they’re probably dead already from E. Coli.

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Are you illiterate in the year 2019, and thus, unable to write 10 words on a shopping list in the notes on your phone? This little trick is for you. What am I even looking at? How will this tell me what I need at the store? I’m not a neurologist, but I don’t think this is how the human brain even works. So you’re supposed to look at this picture and determine what you need based on what’s missing? To do this effectively, you’d need to spend 14 hours at the store. You would have to go down each aisle and cross check every single item on the shelf and assess whether you would need it and then if you already have it. It’s sheer lunacy. It makes sense that the person who shared this is certifiably insane, though. They keep chocolate chips in the fridge.

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No one in the history of cell phones has ever needed a USB adapter. They always need a cable. If I really am ever stuck in the situation where I’m first, in a hotel room; second, missing an adapter but still have a cable; and third, in possession of a dying phone, I’m definitely going to use a favor service to bring me one before I start rearranging the furniture.

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Folks, this is it. Pack it in. We’re done here. Picture this. You show up to the pre-game. The beers are cold, the girls are here, but no one has a speaker for tunes. Your boy, ever the innovator, goes into the bathroom and unravels all the toilet paper off the roll, then mysteriously pulls out two thumbtacks like he works at Office Depot and starts playing levels by Avicii (RIP) approximately 3% louder than if he were to just use his phone. That’s when the pre-game turns into the party. “Actually, this is sick,” says one of the girls. “Yeah, let’s just stay here,” says another as she heads over to the Macgyver who made this monstrosity while biting her lip. “You uh, got any more life hacks?” She asks as she runs her pointer finger down the opening of his shirt. “Baby, wait til you see what I can do with an empty coffee can.”

It’s not so much the idea of these things that bothers me. It’s the smugness of the person who would use it. They probably sit in their home staring down at the peasants from their ivory tower made out of plastic shopping bags and think of how easy their life is compared to everyone else because their furniture is made out of old toothbrushes. Then a sadness washes over them because they know that their life has been so hacked, they’ll never recover. A single tear falls down their cheek and it’s wiped away with a stale flour tortilla. “23 ways you’ve been killing yourself wrong,” they whimper before hanging themselves with used dental floss.

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