Welp, I really don’t need to do much to set this post up. Unless you’ve been unreachable for the last 12 hours, you probably have heard that Patriots owner and big time massage lover Robert Kraft got busted for a good ole fashion rub and tug down in Florida at Orchids of Asia. Click here to see the massage parlor’s Yelp page. Great reviews.
If you’re Robert Kraft, you probably take it easy tonight and think about the good and the bad that will come from this whole experience. IF YOU’RE READING THIS BOB, TAKE YOUR NIGHTLY VITAMIN AND JUST GO TO BED FOR CHRISTSAKE.
Anyways, here’s what I’m assuming is Bob’s Pros and Cons list from this whole ordeal.
- He’s 77, I won’t avoid the obvious and just say this–“hell yeah Bob, if you don’t use it, you lose it–am I right??”
- It was an hourly rate of $59. Even with his 6.6 Billion dollar net worth, he still is saving a ton of money. (fun math: with 6.6 billion dollars you could get 111,864,406.78 handjobs (not including tips) at Orchids of Asia)
- Bob’s got a record now. Meek Mill and him now have more in common therefore boosting his street cred.
5. Kraft’s sexual preferences may make way for NFL expansion in Asia. Diversity is fun when you’re the NFL and there’s new land to conquer.
- The cops said surveillance video caught the whole transaction on camera. The NFL will definitely get that videotape of Bob getting jiggy wit it and hold the Patriots ransom. Roger Goodell has already made the call to TMZ to get this dang footage.
- This experience probably ruined Florida for Bob. No more Disney trips after future Super Bowl wins.
- Not a good look. Not the Rub and Tug itself–but the fact it happened at a shopping center mall that probably has a Cici’s Pizzeria and a Dollar Tree as its neighboring stores. One would think that a classy guy like Craft who owns a classy organization like the Patriots would have higher standards.
- Early reports say he isn’t the most popular person to get busted in this prostitution sting. Now you could say that’s a PRO since most people will forget about Kraft’s involvement but I’d argue that Kraft is a go big or go home type of person. He got caught so he might as well own it and be the face of the crime. Knowing he won’t even be the biggest fish caught in this crime of passion will probably make Kraft feel like a small man (metaphorically and literally speaking)
5. Lastly, this may put a damper on the White House visit. The Patriots never ending chicken nugget party may look pretty bleak with the owner of the team as a convict.