So it’s almost Christmas. To all my jewish brethren out there, keep reading, there’s no camping involved and you’re not excluded, plus we’ve got some gambling talk. Since the beginning of time, golf commentators everywhere have talked about playing golf with their dream foursome. Now most boring people would say something like: Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, and my Dad. Fucking cool, dude. That’s a great foursome if you want to have stories to tell about balancing a checkbook or what type of lawn grass is best to grow in a mid-tropical climate, but you sure as shit won’t have any interesting stories to tell aside from your annoying name drops.
This year, I’ve decided to come up with my dream foursome from characters from Christmas movies. As with any dream foursome list, there is balance. You can’t pick a bunch of presidents because that would be that would be boring as shit. Imagine a night on the town with Ronald Reagan. The guy was a Hollywood actor. The amount of booty you could acquire would be staggering. Playing with George Bush would be amazing. Imagine the pharmacy of designer drugs that guy could procure from the members of the scull and bones society. I’m guessing the founder of Actavis could hook it up with flavors of codeine cough syrup we’ve never even imagined. Baja Blast promethazine anyone? Barack Obama is the man. He’s got connects with Jay Z and Ye. Despite the individual awesomeness of these guys, I can’t imagine they would be great together. A bunch of dick-measuring while my only resume item consists of being high school class historian. Idk what that position was supposed to consist of, but it got Stacey Niedermeyer to take her shirt off in the back of my mom’s 2007 Tahoe.
Anyways, without further adieu, here’s my list:
Call him Santa if you want. He’s the first person on my list because he’s a single dad. While everyone else is trying to have a normal day on the golf course, he’s rolling a blunt with some weed he bought from his landscaper named Arturo. Sure you’re getting most of your buzz from the nicotine he got from the backwoods, but he tried right? He’s the type of guy to consistently stripe it 230 down the middle and carry a ball retriever in his bag.
For the uninformed, this is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He heroically battled Sinbad for a Turboman doll, and quite frankly, he needs a fuckin’ break. Hitting the links with Arnie would be a dream. He famously said “the greatest feeling you can get in the gym or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is pump. Let’s say you train your biceps, blood is rushing into your muscles and that’s what we call the pump. Your muscles get a tight feeling, your skin is going to explode. It’s like someone is blowing air into your skin. It just blows up, it feels fantastic. It’s as satisfying to me as cumming is. You know as having sex with a woman and cumming. Can you believe how much I am in heaven? Getting the feeling cumming in the gym. Getting the feeling of cumming at home, getting the feeling of cumming back stage when I pose up in front of 5,000 people, so I’m cumming day and night.”
I apologize for that long quote, but it was necessary. My only concern with playing with Arnold is that he catches a drive too pure and starts cumming. I’m not sure I’m prepared for that.
Buddy the Elf
Everyone needs a dipshit. Someone who comes in and just hands over their money. Idk what I will do with a bunch of elf money, but I can probably trade Santa for a ride to the bunny ranch. It’s a legal brothel in Nevada. If you’re my age, you’ve seen it on HBO’s late night programming, but if you’re uninformed, it’s a whorehouse located pretty fucking far from the Las Vegas strip. If you want to pay for sex in Las Vegas, I don’t think the Bunny Ranch is your best bet. There’s a lot of escorts out there, but if you’re looking to save a buck, I’m probably available on most weekends as a date to pay back my bookie for my horrific gambling losses. Either way, buddy is the perfect guy to round out your foursome.
As actors, Tim Allen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Will Ferrell are pretty good. As characters, I’m even happier. You may be wondering, why didn’t I include Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold? Well, this simple answer is that he’s trash. He’s a family man who would care more about getting back to his pain in the ass wife than he would care about sinking a putt for a jager bomb on 18.
Also, I asked my wife who her ideal foursome would be and it was slightly terrifying. After she finished naming 3 ethnic porn stars, I told her I meant in golf terms and she said: the Grinch, Tim Allen from Christmas with the Kranks, and Elsa from Frozen. I was alarmed by her Elsa answer, but it was poignant. She said she selected her because she has the advantage of hitting from the ladies’ tees, but she can also keep your drinks cold, which is pretty smart.