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Dear Santa, I promise I’ll be good until 2019 Christmas if you let the Bengals knock the Steelers out of the playoffs.

I don’t usually ask for anything during Christmas time. I’m 26 years old if I want something I’ll go buy it for myself, but if a present just happens to fall in my lap I mean I won’t not accept it. This year though a present fell into my lap that I not only want, but I NEED!

The Bengals season has been over for quite some time. I wrote previously how we were a step above the Raiders when previewing the game a few weeks ago. But now we are right down there with them suffering in the pit of fandom hell. While the 6-9 record might say we weren’t as bad this year as we claim, the drastic change from playoff contender to fringe top 10 pick should be enough get our names on the list. So while our season is over why not make the clock strike midnight on another team’s season?

There’s only one team I’d want to be in this situation and by God it’s finally happening. The Pittsburgh Steelers are leaving their hang in the balance of a rivalry game against an injury plagued Bengals. I know, I know, the line for this game will put Cincy as a hefty underdog but why? The Steelers usually play at the level of their opponents and that means the Bengals are Jeff Dunham and the Steelers are Walter.

With Driskel playing with some balls under center I think we make this a dogfight and pull off the W.

And seriously what Bengals fan wouldn’t want to see the Steelers miss the playoffs thanks to us? If the latest reports are to be true then it sounds like the Bengals Head Coaching job is Marvin’s until he decides to step down. So if he’s sticking around and going to make our lives miserable for god knows much longer why not rain on other teams parades?

Here’s a list of things I’d do in 2019 if Santa gifts the Bengals a win over the Steelers on Sunday.

  1. Stop ripping the pro-cousin loving state of Kentucky.
  2. Stop substituting my friend’s beer with O’douls and making him think he’s “drunk” then encourage him to recording Tik Tok duets with creepy old dudes.
  3. Stop replacing my friend’s nicotine patch with icy hot patches.
  4. Stop putting my friends on a mailing list for Jehovah Witness paraphernalia.
  5. Stop DM’ing Breck Eisner every hour (on the hour) that I want a Sahara sequel.
  6. Delete my future blog about a certain shitty restaurant next to First Energy Stadium.
  7. Start DM’ing Kid Rock every hour (on the hour) begging for a sequel to “Bawitaba” or the whole Devil Without A Cause album to be honest.
  8. Stop drinking.
  9. Start drinking again 3 weeks later
  10. And finally I’d stop catfishing the entire Bengals fan-base and reveal myself as the real Mike Brown and that the guy you see in the press box is just an actor!

So who’s with me?! Before bed tonight lay out some extra cookies and Bud Light (Santa’s preferred beer not mine) and wish for a Christmas miracle…on December 30th.

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About Chavy

Co-Founder of Nosebleed Takes I write, I podcast, & Editor-In-Chief I do it all.

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