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Christmas Throwdown 2018 Part 1

We all have our favorite Christmas movies. Some of you will go to the grave proclaiming Elf as the GOAT, others will stay with the classics like Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story. Knowing that the “best Christmas movie” debate is overplayed I used my sick mind to find a new slant on the Christmas movie debate. Then it hit me, a one nigh winner take all no holds barred tournament (a fight to the death is a little harsh for the holidays). An 8 man tournament where the winner can declare their movie “The greatest Christmas movie of all time!” Each character will be judged by physical strength, mental toughness, and miscellaneous. 

Opening Round:

 Jingle All the Way vs  Miracle On 34th Street

Physical: The Giant Santa checks in at a staggering 7′ while Kris Kringle was (and I’m not kidding) a whopping 5’5. This isn’t even a contest. Bigger size, bigger hands, bigger feet, all tools that are made to demolish Kris Kross Kringle. Advantage Crooked Santa.

Mental: If you remember Giant Crooked Santa was the brawn not the brains of the crooked operation (for someone reason the director thought we’d buy Jim Belushi as anything other than a bumbling idiot). So obviously Giant Santa isn’t all there upstairs. This is where Kris Kringle’s English (yes the actor was British) wit comes into play and he proves once again brains > brawn.  Advantage Kris Kringle

Miscellaneous:  As stated above the actor who played Kris Kringle in Miracle on 34th Street was in fact British. Now history tells us these guys can bloody brawl (and by history I mean the 6 Guy Ritchie movies I’ve seen and Green Street Hooligans). Scrappy Kris Kringle is going to fight smart, fight dirty and this could tip the scales in his favor.

Winner:  In an early upset Kris Kringle via headbutt to the jingle bells. 

Jack Frost vs Frozen

Physical: Both are made of snow, both have carrot noses, both have stick arms..yada yada yada you get the idea. We’re dead even here. Push

Mental: Olaf is a dumbass. His stupidity is charming to everyone who religiously watches Frozen (from the kids to the guys who try luring said kids into their van for some candy to the 20-something girls who think they’re actually a Disney Princess). But in a fight Olaf wouldn’t know a punch from a kick and this is where Jack Frost takes over. Jack Frost used to be a man before his son brought him back as a snowman and cucked him out of an eternal life of slamming brews and playing harmonica with Little Walter. This isn’t even close. Advantage Jack Frost

Miscellaneous: Since Jack never made it big as a musician it’s a safe assumption he played in some sketchy dive bars in-between the birthday parties and shotgun weddings. Playing in a dive bar Jack has probably seen and been in his fair share of fights. Jack knows the in’s and outs of bar brawls and that’s exactly the types of fights you’ll see in this tournament. Olaf on the other hand has seen nothing of the sorts. The Pixar universe really doesn’t shine a light on the dark world of booze, and bar fights. Since we’re dead even in the physical category (and weapons are allowed) expect the instinct to kick in for Jack as he grabs a Coors Light bottle, chugs it, breaks it over Olaf’s carrot nose, and then proceeds to kick the ever living shit out of Olaf like he caught him trying to plow Mrs. Frost. 

Winner: Jack Frost via murder. 

Come back tomorrow for the final two matches in the opening round! 

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About Chavy

Co-Founder of Nosebleed Takes I write, I podcast, & Editor-In-Chief I do it all.

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