Let me start out by saying this: if you have no experience with golf and you like the person on your gift list but don’t want to get them a gift card, there are only two appropriate gifts to get an avid golfer. Pro V1 golf balls on the low end and Master’s tickets on the high end.
Pro V1’s are as cheap at $13 for a sleeve and $45 for a dozen. Even if they don’t prefer those balls, you’re an unbelievable hardo if you complain because you “only play Chromesofts or Bridgestones or TP5’s” or whatever else. And if you’re on the receiving end of the golfballs and you still have qualms about receiving them, just smile and say thank you, because you know your happy ass will lose all of them by the 5th hole anyways. As for Masters tickets, I’ve never known anyone who loves me enough to get them for Christmas for me, but it’s the one event that no matter what you’re doing in your life, if you have tickets, you can find a way to get out of prior obligations. And if for some reason you really can’t get your boss or professor or wife to let you go, you need to cut ties with that thing.
As for the rest of the things in the golf industry, there’s just too much out there at too high of a cost to buy. Off the rack clubs are coming in at $500 and it still won’t fix your dogshit swing, so please don’t spend your hard earned money on a club that the 30 handicapper at Dick’s Sporting Goods tells you I need. Golf clothing is nice, but I’ve gotten to the boujee stage in my life where the polos I wear pretty much must come overpriced from a pro shop with a logo on the titty to show you that I’ve played on fancy golf courses before. Pants and shorts are great, too, but it’s none of your damn business what my waist size is, so you’ll probably never get a pair that fits right anyways.
So with all this being said, keep it simple. If I don’t matter that much to you, a sleeve of Pro V1s will make me happy, and if I’ve been a good boy and you want to spoil me, 10 dozen Pro V1s will keep me busy for about a month.
Now let’s say you’re reading this and you don’t take my advice. It’s either because you’re a moron and you think the golfer in your life really will appreciate that Top Flite Noodle Series Chipping Club or maybe you just hate them and you want to purposely get them a bad gift. Well no judgment here, and let me say, you’ve come to the right place.
The Swingless Golf Club
This thing is just an ass-kicking waiting to happen. I’m not 100% sure they even sell this club anymore, but basically it operates like a gun. Literally. You load 22 caliber cartridges in and a firing pin explodes the gun power inside the round and pushes the the lever out to hit the ball up to 200 yards. Seriously… I don’t think this thing is legal in California. And it looks to be made of plastic. It’s only a matter of time before one of these rounds knocks the piece loose and actually shoots someone. That’s not even the worst part. Imagine getting to the course and some old guy takes your lunch on a money game using this monstrosity. What are you gonna do, kick his ass? Not only is he 84 years old, but he also lost eye in Vietnam. I mean, sure it was in 2011 when he went, and it was because he paid a ladyboy to pee in his eye, but that’s semantics. He just shot a 76 from the 4,200 yard tees and there’s nothing you can do to stop him.
The Hot Biscuits Golf Ball Warmer
For the low, low price of $139.99, you can have a product that quite literally heats up your golf balls. Now the science is simple, warmer golf balls fly further. To be honest, compared to a lot of products out there, it’s actually a pretty sound thought. After all, compression is the key to golf ball distance, why not create an egg cooker specifically designed to replicate the temperature of Patrick Reed’s taint on a summer day in Dubai? Now instead of a 185 yard duck hooked tee shot into the woods, you can hit a 210 yard duck hook into the woods. And when all else fails, you can probably pay the cart girl to slam your testicles in it on the back 9.
Anything Golf Related for Use in the Bathroom
The Potty Putter, Shit n Stroke, and Toilet Golf are all products specifically designed for you to take a dump and practice your short game in the exact way you would on the course: sitting down. The most mind boggling part of this is that multiple companies have decided to put their hats in the ring. There’s enough profit for everyone. Maybe it’s just because the US Patent office thought it was too stupid to actually permit someone the sole rights to create such a product, but I guess you can get this for someone who lives by the phrase “always be golfing.”
Exploding Golf Balls
Look there’s a reason that “joke shops” and mail in comic book products no longer exist. Because kids have fucking iPads and x-boxes. Whoopie cushions and prop comedy died a long time ago, so it still blows my mind that there are “exploding golf ball pranks” on youtube and dated as recently as 3 months ago. It’s the perfect prank to play on your buddies if your buddy has literally never held a golf ball before. Or perhaps he walks up and closes his eyes before taking his shot. The off color and strange weight and density should be dead giveaways, but nope, there are still some masters of comedy out there totally owning their friends with this savage prank.
So by all means, use this as a guide to help out the golfer in your life this holiday season. Whether it’s a literal firearm disguised as a golf club, a kitchen device repurposed as a something that can get you banned from tournaments for life, a toy that will almost definitely end up with feces on it, or a timeless prank that will only work on someone who is legally blind, there’s something out there for everyone. Happy Holidays.
Oh, and if you want a great gift, buy a Nosebleed Takes shirt. Wait. we don’t sell shirts? Okay, golf balls are fine.