Slow sports day here at Nosebleed Takes so I figured a breakdown of a fictional basketball game that we won’t even know any details about until late next year is the route to go today.
Space Jam 2 is setting the stage for a rematch 22 years in the making, as the MonSTARS look to even the score against the ToonSquad. The basketball landscape has changed dramatically since the first film’s release in 1996, so the MonSTARS have their work cut out for them in finding players to steal some mojo from. Expect the ToonSquad to have the same starting 5 from 2+decades ago because if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. But I’ll still break down their starting 5 because you the reader deserve it!
Point Guard: Bugs Bunny
No surprise here that Bugs is the floor general. Hops, decent crossovers, leader of the Looney Tunes he’s the total package. What Bugs lacks in strength he makes up for in speed, agility, and court IQ. So while you won’t see Bugs making any serious drives to the lane, expect him to have a crisp mid-range jumper and a few razzle dazzle passes à la Rajon Rondo.
Potential Stat line: 18 points, 3 rebounds, 15 assists, and for fun we’ll say 5 steals.
Shooting Guard: Lola Bunny
Lola has all the makings of a great shooting guard. Confidence, a solid jumper (she’s a bunny), and possible hot take here (I think she’s a better player than Bugs). Think about she’s the better scorer wasn’t afraid to mix it up with the guys she’s the person you want to light up the scoreboard night in and night out.
Potential Stat line: 28 points, 2 rebounds, 5 assists.
Small Forward: Foghorn Leghorn
Let’s address the elephant in the room here. Foghorn Leghorn is one goofy motherfucker. He’s got the height for a Power Forward but no skills to compliment it. What he lacks in skills though he makes up for in hustle and a positive attitude. Whether your down by 50 or winning by a 100 expect Leghorn to keep team morale at an all time high. But don’t be fooled at this kind hearted southern gentlemen, when he needs to turn the volume up to 11 and bring out the fire…….WATCH OUT!!!
Potential Stat line: 12 points, 13 rebounds, 1 sportsmanship award
Power Forward: LeBron James
Just like most sequels LeBron won’t quite outshine the first go-around but that’s okay. I mean how can you top this?
Expect LeBron to play a more physical game consisting of driving to the lane in traffic, blocking shots, and some flashy dunks. Do I need say more about how LeBron would play in this game? He’s coming into this game with zero injuries, zero retirements, and still in his prime, unlike Mr. Jordan.
Potential Stat line: 45 points, 18 rebounds, 11 assists
Center: The Tasmanian Devil
He’s here strictly to take people out.
Potential Stat line: 0 points, 10 rebounds, 0 assists, 5 flagrant fouls
Point Guard: Nawt (Played by Steph Curry)
The MonSTARS stole the talents of the top NBA players (or the only ones who’d agree to be in the movie) so it shouldn’t come as a surprise they’d take the top 3 point shooter’s talents. Nawt is the nerd of the group so who better to play him than the biggest nerd in the NBA?
Potential Stat line: 30 points, 4 rebounds, 13 assists
Small Forward: Pound (Played by Kawhi Leonard)
Kawhi cracking jokes at a recent press conference has to be an indication he’s looking to breakout into the comedic world. What better way to do that than play the biggest goofball on the MonSTARS?
Potential Stat line: 15 points, 5 rebounds, 4 assists, and 9 steals
Power Forward: Bupkus (Played by Kevin Durant)
Both have very punchable faces boom! It’s a perfect match. Plus with the MonSTARS going bold and running a tall lineup sans Steph Curry, they’ll need someone out on the perimeter to unclog the lane and hit jumpshots.
Potential Stat line: 24 points, 0 rebounds, 5 assists, 10 tweets from the burner account mid-game
Center: Blanco (Played by Draymond Green)
Here to fill the idiot role on the team is Blanco. Who better to play him than his NBA doppelganger Draymond Green? Expect a lot of “incidental” contact from Blanco in this game.
Potential Stat line: 12 points, 18 rebounds, 4 assists, 13 nut shots
Center: Bang (Played by Anthony Davis)
Look for the MonSTARS to dominate the boards adding one of the most dynamic big guys in the league to an already star-studded lineup. They’ll definitely get more bang for their buck (pun most certainly intended) with this kind of talent at their 5 spot. Plus with Bang having a weird haircut it ties in perfectly to Anthony Davis’ unibrow.
Potential Stat line: 21 points, 24 rebounds, 6 assists, and 12 blocks
I don’t expect the ToonSquad to have much of an advantage in the first quarter as the MonSTARS will come out guns blazing and light up the scoreboard for much of the first half. Where the ToonSquad will flourish is bench players as the worn down MonSTARS don’t have anyone on the 6-11 spot to sub in. If you also take into account the fact if a MonSTAR player fouls out and they’ll be a man down you have to look at the ToonSquad as the favorites. Expect LeBron and gang to pull out a close win in a high scoring game.