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Not Sports Rankings

Chavy’s Power Rankings: Best places to eat if you want explosive diarrhea

Disclaimer: This blog is NOT about shit, it’s about restaurants to go to if you want the shits. Big difference, we here at Nosebleed Takes pride ourselves on staying right in between high brow and low brow humor.

The explosive diarrhea, we’ve all had it at one point or another. If you’re like me the first thought you have when shitting your brains out is “what caused this?!” After a few trial runs I’ve narrowed down the top 3 places that will give you explosive diarrhea.

 

3) Chipotle

Let’s get the most common one out of the way. I managed to avoid Chipotle for over 2 years due to the excessive vomiting I expierenced last time I had ate there. The vomiting was a perfect storm of vodka and guac that did me in, so I haven’t really found any merit to the jokes about shitting your pants after Chipotle.

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(RIP to the GOAT TV salesperson)

Since I haven’t had any experience shitting my pants after Chipotle I’ll take a page out of Billy May’s book and let the customer testimonials due the work for me.

Matt Keohan of Bro Bible: “I Shit Myself In Public After Eating Chipotle — Here’s The Harrowing Story

Reddit user mytommy: “I went to my local store, ordered chicken bowl, came back home, starting eating, and before even finishing my meal I get this SHARP pain in my stomach that I’ve never felt before. I couldn’t finish eating, and I had to rush to the toilet. I spent literally an hour emptying my stomach from all what I ate.

This fella took to Quora to get to the bowel of why he shit himself after Chipotle: “Chipotle gave me diarrhea. What should I do?

My verdict: Chipotle is in fact going to give you diarrhea it’s just how it is, however it has grown into a hyperbole on the internet and isn’t as dangerous as it seems. Enjoy in moderation.

 

2) Hooters

Hooters, great view shitty food. 6th grade me went from 6 to midnight at the thought of seeing PG-13 boobs and eating a delicious burger. Orlando Florida, family vacation I’m just a horny sixth grader trying to see some bewbs, I begged my parents and they finally caved in and took us to Hooters. So far so good, we get there and I didn’t know what to do, should I order the chicken breast hold the chicken? No definitely didn’t do that, I was more in awe than anything, girls in skimpy shorts and tight tank tops, a stark contrast to what I was used to in middle school. So far so good, I order a simple hamburger because we all know I wasn’t there to satisfy my craving for high class food such as escargot or oysters. I get my picture with the Hooters girls (if by some chance you’re reading this sup?) and we are on our way. 1AM rolls around and my stomach much like a wish bone is about to be split in two by my colon and my esophagus. I didn’t know what was going to happen first, shitting or vomiting, spoiler alert shitting won by a split second. I thought I was dying, as I sat there spewing from both ends like a goddamn sprinkler, millions of thoughts were running through my mind.

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First question I had, was it worth it? No, although the picture was worth it to show off to my friends back home, the food poisoning quickly made me regret the whole experience and I haven’t been back to Hooters since. This was before a time when I knew of LimeWire where you could literally download HUNDREDS of pics that would’ve done the job and not destroy my stomach.

My verdict: This was a one and done for me, I refuse to go back. Maybe it was a case of bad meat and it’s not going to happen every time I’d go. But the nearest one is 45 miles away from me and risking a potential shitmiting episode on the highway with no rest stops is a chance I’m not willing to take. If you’re going to Hooters to just see Hooters might I suggest opening your private web browser, saving the blue balls and shame?

 

1) White Castle

 

 

White Castle fucking sucks. Every stereotype or joke about this place is coming from a big piece of truth, and if you eat here knowing all of that I don’t feel bad for you. HOWEVAH I will send a get well soon card to the toilet you destroyed because they’re the real victims here. Think about it, they had a fucking movie made about them to promote how it’s the cool place to eat just to get customers!

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Have you seen any other fast food chain make themselves the integral part of a movie?

McDonald’s: Super Size Me (wasn’t by choice)

Wendy’s: No

Subway: One commercial in Happy Gilmore

Burger King: Nope.

I’m a firm believer in letting your product do the talking for you, if it’s good it’ll sell itself. Bud Light is nasty beer so they went the White Castle route and are going for popularity via humor rather than letting people know right off the bat that their product is shit. I respect the move but it doesn’t change the fact these products suck.

My verdict:

AVOID WHITE CASTLE AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!

 

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