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What your favorite NBA Team says about your sex life

I am by no means a sex expert, but I’ve planted enough parsnip, and watched enough film so I’m no novice either. You can tell a lot by a person’s favorite teams, so here I am dissecting, and breaking down what your favorite NBA team says about your sex life.

Golden State Warriors

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If you root for the Warriors you’re the person who hears from 4 or 5 people how great the sex is with this person, so you decide to join in on the fun. You don’t think for yourself and just plow whatever field your friends are plowing, you’re a follower and have probably tasted your bros at one time so let that sink in for a moment.

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Cleveland Cavaliers

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How are you handling the breakup? You’re probably smuggling grapefruits in your boxers waiting for the rebound to blow your wad onto/into. It ain’t happening anytime soon. Stock up on plenty of Jergens, Kleenex’s, and keep that private browser handy because it’s going to be a long drought. Sure, you can and probably will lower the standards eventually and end up in back alley behind your local dive bar giving Large Marge the business, but you don’t have to do that, just wait for that perfect someone to come along cough*Colin Sexton*cough. Until then keep it in your pants outside of your home, and beat your dick like it owes you money in the comfort of your own room. We’ll check up on you in a few months.

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Toronto Raptors

                                Regular Season vs Playoffs

Regular season you’re getting more strange than you can handle, you can’t handle all of..but yet somehow you are. You’re tapping into the reserves now, as your dick is dry heaving on its way to the finish line. You’re so burned out on sex that once summer rolls around you crumble in crunch time, and are left with a wet noodle all summer long. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, did things differently, better luck next year.

 

San Antonio Spurs

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All I have to ask is why? Plenty of other fish in the sea, and yet your constantly hate fucking each other. Move on there’s plenty of others out there that you can take pleasure in dirty dancing with, it’s not healthy. Cut your losses and move out before you end up recreated for a special on Investigation Discovery.

Boston Celtics

Us I mean those Boston Celtics fans are the best of the best, ladies (or dudes) lock them down, 100/10 guaranteed best you’ll ever have or your money back! They’ll have you screaming “hardah, hardah, hardah” and saying the Lord’s prayer every time you lock horns in the sac with them. These fans are sculpted from the Greek God’s themselves and are real stallions, definitely no bias here just clear objective opinions.

Didn’t mention your team or fan base? It’s because you are all a bunch of missionary having, once a week planning, hurry before the kids get home, foreplay skipping loves and aren’t worth the carpel tunnel.

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About Chavy

Co-Founder of Nosebleed Takes I write, I podcast, & Editor-In-Chief I do it all.

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