The World Cup is over and France is our new World Champions. In the highest scoring final in WC history France took advantage of the situations they were given for a 4-2 victory. And while I am not happy about the ending I think this game did the service of hooking new soccer fans in with constant goal scoring. With the end to any major sporting event or season comes award ceremonies, so dress up in your best I’m with stupid” t-shirt and fight off the case of the Monday’s with Chavy’s World Cup Awards.
MVP (Most Valuable Player)
19 goddamn years old and scoring goals in the World Cup finals?! At 19 I was just trying to get my homework done for class, and trying to figure out which video on PornHub I wanted to tug one out to (btw big POV guy, also has to have a good backstory.) Mbappé joins one of the GOAT’s in Pelé as only teenagers to score a goal in the World Cup finals with a 25 yard missile to put France ahead. This kid is also donating all of his World Cup payday to charity, so go ahead find a reason to hate this kid, you can’t (trust me I tried because of how much I hate France for beating Uruguay.)
LVP (Least Valuable Player)
I know, I know the MLS didn’t stand a chance against the World Cup they had an uphill battle to keep fans interested these past two months. Christ I tuned into the Columbus Crew vs New York City F.C. on Saturday and I went in with very low expectations, and they were still not achieved. It was and I’m not kidding some of the worst soccer I have ever watched, simple errors, horrible shooting, bad camera work, it was like Michael J. Fox directing a porno. The quality of play was such a big downgrade from the World Cup I was wondering if I could go try out for an MLS team. And on top of all this they played on what was basically a high school field, as they shortened the field tremendously just to play at Yankee Stadium. COOL!
Biggest Choker (uhhh..Phrasing???)
Wie ist es passiert? Seriously this was one of the worst follow ups for a champion in the history of sports. Eliminated in group play with a talented roster like Germany has is mind bottling, I had them winning it all this year so this either shows my true lack of knowledge in the soccer realm, or they just choked on the big one. I’m going say it was a choke job as I don’t want to tip my hand here and show I’m not the sports expert everyone makes me out to be.
Thank you for your service (Final World Cup appearance)
Pretty much any big Internationally recognized player
For a lot of players this year was the do or die for them to make a big impact in the World Cup. Messi, Ramos, Ronaldo, and Suarez all met premature exits along with a few other big name players. Luka Modrić on the other hand went out on top, winning the man of the tournament winning the Golden Ball. It will truly be weird in 2022 seeing these players in lesser roles on their international teams, or just not on the team at all. While it would’ve been nice to see these guys leave a more lasting impression in their final World Cup, we still have them on their respective club teams to take in their greatness for a few more years. So to all of those who played in their final World Cup, we salute you.
Final Award: Biggest Balls
First off let me say this was a dumb move for a multitude of reasons. If Russia was in the finals I might see why they thought they were sticking it to Kremlin and Putin, but it was France and Croatia. Secondly, it totally fucked up the momentum that Croatia was gaining as they tried to come back and win the game. Lastly it was not smart to make Putin and his entourage look stupid, without talking politics (we don’t do that here) I rank this up there with swatting down a shot on Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un as things i’d never think of doing. It’s not for fear of the person I’d avoid this, but for the simple fact they have killed people for less would make this all the more bold. And that is why I award Pussy Riot the biggest balls at the 2018 World Cup. Now I’m no pro dictatorship guy, so even though I’ll call rushing the pitch during the World Cup final stupid, I respect their cause to fight oppression in Russia.
So come back in 2022 for my 2nd Annual World Cup Awards!