It’s a child’s worst nightmare come true, parents always say threaten you with the “if you don’t like it here, leave” but Doc Rivers is proving to be a man of his word in this case. (because he has yet to take the Clippers to the Finals as promised) When I was younger, and a little shit I remember packing my things and saying I’m moving out over something stupid, I think I was 10 years old and thought it was totally acceptable to live in a messy room, sue me. These were empty threats though as usually I’d clean my room and life was back to normal, but last night a new precedent was set by Doc Rivers that should have children ages 3 & up feeling their seat get a little hotter.
What may have caused the sudden removal of Austin Rivers from his father’s team? I’ve dug deep into this, smoked a carton of Marlboro Reds, put on my investigative slacks, and narrowed it down to 2 reasons.
1) Doc is finally getting even for Austin picking Duke over his alma matter Marquette.
Doc is a Marquette guy through and through, he bleeds the blue and gold, so when his son went and played for Coach K in the blue and white it devastated him. Fast forward to January 15th 2015 the start of a long con for Doc to finally get his revenge, when he traded for Austin in a three team deal involving the Celtics, Suns and Clippers. I appreciate a good slow burn, whether it’s a 3 hour movie building to the climax, porn with a plot building to a different kind of climax, or in this case a 3 year plan to get revenge I will always tip my cap to those who execute it perfectly. Doc decided to play the “water under the bridge” card and get Austin in his comfort zone and act like there was no hard feelings. Finally, when he had Austin right where he wanted him he pulls the rug out from under him and trades him to the Wizards for Marcin Gortat who may be the same in 2K ratings to Austin, a real kick in the balls. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and Doc went below zero on this one.
2) Austin talked about Chris Paul’s wife (allegedly)
First rule of trash talk, be good at it, second rule leave the mothers and wives out of it. Calling out the wives or mothers is simply just a lack of effort or originality. Grabbing the low hanging fruit of wives or mothers is never a good reflection of your character. The quote that sent Chris and the Rockets on a manhunt for Austin back in January was Austin told Chris during the 4th quarter “That’s why I smashed Jada.” Austin was probably the type of kid to use the “do you know who my dad is” anytime he was getting shit on in school, hiding behind Papa Doc’s net worth instead of fighting his own fights. Also, let’s not rule out Doc sending Austin to Washington for his own safety, as we learned from Matt Barnes “smashing” wives whether estranged or still happily married is a big no no in the league. Barnes drove 95 miles to kick Derek Fisher’s teeth in over rumors he was smashing his estranged wife, being as Paul and Barnes used to be teammates under Doc Rivers must’ve knew something we aren’t aware of. Houston to Washington D.C. is a 1,408 mile (22 hour drive) good thing Chris has nobody to give him a ride, like a good neighbor or twin brother.
This move is setting into motion a domino effect, soon enough parents will trade their kids after an outburst for coupons, goddamn peace and quiet, and a bottle of wine. I think parents will look back on Doc Rivers as an pioneer in parenting much like rising journalists look at Jim Rome as the pioneer of being an asshole to athletes. This will lead to a skyrocketing increase of kids doing their own laundry, cleaning their rooms, and mowing the lawn. However, a message to the edgy and badass teens who smoke oregano and think SoundCloud rappers are the GOAT’s, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye, because parents aren’t going to take your shit anymore.