In the words of Based hot take God Stephen A Smith ““Right now if you ask me Carmelo Anthony is GONE. He’s going to L.A. to play w/Kobe Bryant.” Where is Carmelo playing at right now? The Lakers? No. With Kobe? FALSE. Sports coverage for the most part is at an all time low, relying on serious hot takes (we are sarcastic hot takes) and clickbait headline grabs. Today I was looking for something to write about and I stumble upon the King of Kings when it comes to hot takes and clickbait, First Take with Stephen A(ss man) Smith and Max Kellerman. The title read and I quote “Kellerman: LeBron has narrowed choice to two destinations.” Kellerman’s reasoning for this is because LeBron’s people are saying trim the fat and cut the bullshit on the presentations when meeting with potential clients. LeBron much like you and your wife isn’t going for the foreplay anymore, it’s all business and no pleasure as the kids are napping, you don’t have the time to put on Lionel Richie and stick your feet in to see if the water is cold, you gotta jackknife right in balls deep with three pumps in missionary and then calling it a day.
I don’t fault LeBron at all for this, he’s looking for a team to beat the Warriors, and if you don’t have the pieces or plan on getting them he’s not signing. If LeBron wanted hear about what your city has to offer he’d take a fucking $20 bus tour around the city. And let’s be honest the only team that has to pitch something other than we can beat the Warriors is Cleveland. LeBron is the penis pump for Cleveland and without him they’re just a wet noodle waiting for someone to get the blood flow going again (Colin Sexton might make the flag go to half staff only time will tell.)
I didn’t come here to talk where LeBron’s going though, I am here for Maximus Kellerman. I’m all for the speculation of where LeBron is going this off season, I’ve always said the NBA offseason is more intriguing to me than the regular season because I like to see where all the chips fall after the Finals. But Max leave the armchair speculation for us working people at the water cooler or the urinals, we need sports talk to get us through the work day. And let’s all step aside to leave the real speculating to the great Oracle Woj and the Don Juan Brian Windhorst. Max Kellerman and myself have about the same amount of “sources” that have told us where LeBron is going to play next season, which is ZERO. But Max is paid to give his opinion on things and I’m stuck behind a computer screen, so I think he wins this one. The point is the serious hot takes have to stop and we need some self awareness here from our First Take guys. Do these guys realize anyone can do their job? For Christ sake they’re getting paid to do what we all do at work for free.
These guys are nothing but characters at this point, and offer no sort of substance with their analysis. Let’s look at our own podcast, (great plug) we don’t take ourselves seriously like the ass clowns at ESPN and but still throw the same scorching hot takes, maybe even scorchier. The difference of why our tens of fans love us is we don’t take ourselves seriously, and the millions watching First Take watch out of hate and wanting to see just how stupid they are. It’s the secret to success, be the bad guy and everyone is going to want to watch you get a Stone Cold Stunner, it’s why WWE was handed $5 billion to jump ship to FOX. We here at Nosebleed Takes aren’t here to be the bad guy…..yet. You better believe I’d sit there with a straight face and tell you JaMarcus Russell and Ryan Leaf are the GOAT QB’s if I was getting paid that kind of fuck you money. Until that time comes, it’s blogging and podcasting my balls dry, being a keyboard warrior, and hate watching First Take.