Golf, it’s the sport of the summer at least in my opinion(which doesn’t hold a lot of merit). When you golf there’s two things guaranteed to happen, you’re going to drink beer (Busch light, Bud light, Miller Lite, Mich Ultra, Rolling Rock, Corona, Blue Moon, Fat Tire, Miller High Life, Miller 64 you get the idea) and you’re going to have to piss. Now, I’m not here to tell you where you piss is right or wrong, when you gotta go you gotta go. I’m just strolling through while you piss and telling you whether or not I like what I see.
10) Don’t drink while golfing
Is this even possible? Short answer no, long answer, you golf to do two things drink beer, and hang out with your friends. I mean sure, you go out there to relieve stress from your awful work week but what is a good and completely healthy stress reliever? You guessed it drinking. Now let me acknowledge, I cannot drink anymore for undisclosed reasons so I fall into the 10 group here and I’m goddamn ashamed of it. But buddy let me tell you, I had a good run drinking and golfing. Whether it was playing a beer a hole, a literal shotgun start, or “Stone Colding” my beers after birdieing a par 5 (a rare occurrence in itself) I was living the high life. Now that I’m sober my golf game has taken a huge nosedive, but since I no longer deal with hangovers I’d say it is an even trade off. So,unless you have a reason to not drink while golfing I’ll politely open the door for you and tell you to….
9) Piss your pants/shorts
In the words of Billy Madison “peeing yo pants is the cooliest!” In the golf world, or any world that isn’t involving elementary students it’s a whole different ball game. If you piss your pants at the course you are most likely at the turn, 10 sheets to the wind and got dared to piss yourself so you did. Not a cool move, and probably a sign of a drinking problem. Also, as you’ll read later on there’s 8 better places to piss on the golf course, so to do this is in your $60 golf pants or shorts is just an amateur move. Don’t be this asshole in your golf group, nobody wants to babysit your drunk ass and turn the Saturday golf outing into The Babysitter’s Club. As someone who has recently peed their pants in the last 2 years let me lend you some advice. Sure, the rotten stench of the piss can be washed out of anything after a few cycles, but no amount of Tide or Bounty can remove the shame of putting those slacks back on the next time you hit the links.
8) Hold it until you’re done golfing
Yeah, if you’re a fan of bacteria getting in your dickhole aka urinary tract by all means hold it in and enjoy bladder infections and the UTI. EDITOR’S NOTE Okay, so as a 2 time Anatomy and Physiology II class taker this one hurts. I’ve dug deeper into my research and found out young men only in rare cases can get a UTI. Okay so men rarely get UTI’s, but is holding your pee in a bad move? Yes. As someone who was a habitual pee holder, I found that one wrong move left me millimeters away from a one way ticket to soak city. Do you really want to risk that on a Par 5 when you’re putting everything behind the swing so you end up on the green? No, and you don’t want to and then be known as “Pissy Pants Pat” to your golf buddies for the rest of your career. I’m not saying that nickname is funny I’m just assuming your friends have a bad sense of humor. And I haven’t even mentioned the pee dance you’ll encounter when bladder is ready to explode.
Is this what you want to look like on the golf course? Because if you hold your pee in this is what you’ll look like.
Kevin Harrington invested $25,000 for 70% equity in the UroClub, Kevin’s not on Shark Tank anymore. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Go ahead, use this at the golf course, if you’re trying to give off the serial killer vibe, and squander any chance of landing the beer cart girl(not like you had a great shot at anyways.) Also, there’s no better way to look stupid at a golf course then trying to wiggle your dick into a golf club. This piss club retails for roughly $33.26 at Walmart, and is marketed as a “Golf gag for your dad.” I’d be very confused if I got this from my son as a Father’s Day or Birthday gift. On top of that I’d be left with a multitude of questions surrounding my relationship with my son. First question I’d have is “is my son trying to watch me piss?” If he’d go golfing with me surely he’d know what is about to happen when I whip out this club, the awkward eye contact that would we’d encounter is enough for me to toss this heap of plastic in the garbage. Secondly, I’d be worried that when I put my dick in the club to pee a sharp piece of plastic cuts me and that’s a picture wrap on my ol’ friend compass. Thirdly, where does all of the piss go? By my account the UroClub does not drain out at the bottom, so not only are you pissing into a club, you are taking said club to dump it after you’ve peed. I feel like at this point you’ve lost the incognito you’re going for when using this club. The only cool thing I can muster up on this piss club is that it’d be funny to be pretending to line up an iron shot while peeing, then proceed swap clubs after peeing. Just to throw off the other golfers. Other than that it’s a huge thumbs down for me on the UroClub.
I’d post a picture to show you just how disgusting these are, but we’ve all seen a dirty port-a-potty before and there’s no reason to dig up those memories. These are disgusting cesspools for dirty, disgusting germs, and should be avoided at all costs. When it’s a warm 85 degrees and you walk past one of these bad boys, it is like a dutch oven cranked all the way up to 11. The makers of the port-a-potty’s added a hand soap dispenser to make you think it’s safe to go in there but it’s a false flag, they’re still fucking gross. It’s like the old saying goes, “you can polish a turd but it’s still a piece of shit.” So why did I rank the port-a-potty so high if they’re so disgusting? Simple, if you are the first person to use it after it’s been put on the course or cleaned, you my friend are getting a semi VIP treatment while you piss or shit. Anyone after that is stuck with the rotten stench of steamy shit and boiling piss which is a death sentence, so avoid the port-a-potty’s at almost all costs.
And comeback tomorrow for my “Top 5 places to piss on a golf course”
PS: I gotta work on being better outros for my blogs.