If you read my blog yesterday you’ll see I was on my way to uncovering a big pyramid scheme in the NFL ranks. I hit a wall (a legit firewall) yesterday, and it seemed the Mayans of this pyramid scheme had caught onto my investigative journalism. Well, it’s been about 24 hours later and I haven’t slept, ate, or drank anything besides Twisted Teas and Swedish Fish. Younger looking Tom Selleck (Magnum P.I.) Chavy is gone, I now look like Rust Cohle circa 2012. After dwelling deep into the dark web and seeing videos that would make Mr. Hands seem like the Teletubbies, I have narrowed my list of suspects to three people.
1) Latrell Sprewell
Latrell is not our ringleader here, the Mayans of this scheme gave him up as the ringleader, but my Cohle senses told me otherwise. Someone who blew through $100 million is obviously not smart enough to start a grand pyramid scheme of this magnitude. Don’t believe me? Here is a short list of what caused Sprewell to go balls deep into bankruptcy.
- Turning down a 3 year $21 million deal to “Feed his family”
- Choking his coach like Paul Reuben choked his (Pee Wee’s word of the day) in a movie theater.
- Buying a yacht. Honestly, who buys a yacht?
- Spending money left and right so quickly that it would give Mark Cuban a rage boner.
Obviously someone who is this financially irresponsible with his money could not even wet dream about scheming up this idea, right? Nice try Mayans I am not falling for this one.
2) Jordan Belfort (Played by Leo DiCaprio)
It makes sense that Scorsese would want a sequel to his 2013 hit “The Wolf of Wall Street” With a total box office of $392 million, (thanks Wikipedia) Marty would be a fool not to follow this blockbuster up with a sequel. I know you’re asking yourself “Chavy this was based on a true story, how can this have a sequel?” Well it’s my blog and I’m the Deputy Dan here so I can make the rules, that’s how. Anyways, Marty knows this time around he can’t just show 3 hours of boobs, booze and drugs or the Academy wouldn’t be too keen on including it on their short list of Best Picture Nominees. Knowing this Marty knew a pivot was necessary, and pivot that bastard did. He is bringing us a documentary style sequel in the same vein of Borat and I’m Still Here called The Wolf of Ponzi’s. In this sequel Belfort (still played by Leo DiCaprio) fresh off of paying his “bookies” as I like to call them, gets into the Thirty-One bags game by selling knock off Forty-One bags to senior citizens. Now, I know most of you are thinking “why wouldn’t there be boobs and drugs in the sequel?” Well, there would still be drugs it would just be Viagra and heart medications. As for the boobs, well if you’re clamoring to see old lady bewbs then maybe you should go watch “Golden Shower Girls” on GGILFhub. Anyways in a deleted scene for the Wolf of Ponzi’s DiCaprio pretending to be Belfort lures TO into this scheme under the false pretense of endless groupies and open microphone. TO accepts and this is where Julio Jones comes into play as the dummy. BOOM Pyramid scheme solved right?
I may be reaching here, but it seems too good to be true. Let’s move on to suspect #3.
3) Roger Staubach
After the case presented for suspect #2 you probably don’t think there’s a need to pursue a 3rd suspect. WRONG!!!! A good investigator like myself leaves no rock unturned (I think that’s a word). If I learned anything from my favorite TV detectives Rust Cohle, Detective Stabler, and Vic Mackey it’s that to get results, you gotta bend the rules every once in a while. I also learned from their excessive use of alcohol that cirrhosis of the liver is a myth created by O’Doul’s and M.A.D.D.
Back to reporting here, Roger has a net worth of $600 million he’s not hurting for cash at this point in his life. But, Roger is a big game hunter he makes his bones strictly for the thrill now. Gone are the days of sitting back in a cozy pocket playing a child’s game and collecting a fat paycheck for it. Now, Roger is about tip toeing the fine line of the law to get his money these days. He’s a adrenaline junkie, gone are the safe real estate investments and dining with the white collars at the Catalina FUCKING Wine Mixer. Mr. Rogers neighborhood is firmly planted in Skid Row at the corner of Washed Up Athletes Lane. Staubach is not the hero Hank Hill falsely believed he was. Roger is more akin to Walter White these days than Walter Payton. It makes sense for Roger to want to play God with washed up athletes, as we all know Dallas is the hotbed for Televangelists. And who are the biggest ponzi schemers in the USA? Televangelists and Dallas Cowboys, it’s a match made in purgatory. Although the 76 year old NFL vet maybe color blind,he’s not an idiot and realizes he needs a fall guy for when “the shit typhoon comes and he needs to haul in the jib before he gets covered in shit”(paraphrasing here to fit the article,original quote by the one and only Mr. Lahey RIP)
And that fall guy is none other than…..
Audible gasps!!!! Swami dodges the local PD, stiff arms the Sheriff, WHOOP, he jukes the FBI and WHOOP! The 40, the 30, the 20, the 10 he could go all the way WHOOP! And what’s that? With no yards to give and Swami at the goal line I made a shoe string tackle and saved the day. No need to thank me for uncovering this dark underworld of sex, drugs, and ponzi’s. As Jay-Z said “On to the next one!” Scammers of sports consider this your warning, I’m coming for ya!!!